I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
