I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
