I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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