The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think a kid would responsible me up
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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