Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
