I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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