i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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