hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
