i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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