Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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