OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
