I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
