boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
