I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
