I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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