arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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