Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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