I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
