Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
