i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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