I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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