4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize