I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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