There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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