My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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