you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
