i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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