I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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