I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
