Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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