i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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