he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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