about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
