Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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