I cannot find my penis.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
