You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
