I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize