why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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