and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
