If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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