okay pat passed out under dana's car
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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