im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
