Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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