Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
