we have pet lesbian snakes
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
