I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
