I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
