I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
