I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
