My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
