im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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