I got chris browned last night
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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