I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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