Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
