This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
