i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize