maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You've changed since you got that strap on
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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